the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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