OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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