when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
