I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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