What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
