i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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