A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
