This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
