she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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