I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
