i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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