maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
