I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
