Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
