She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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