I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
