if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
