you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
