I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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