I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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