I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
