Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
