I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
