Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
