So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
