i think my tv is drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
