am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
