my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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