i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
