I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
