Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How does one acquire holy water?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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