at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I didn't notice because vodka
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
