just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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