i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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