alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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