I must be too annoying 4 u.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
