his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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