Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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