Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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