Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
