You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
