I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
