drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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