Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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