Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
