That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
