Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
