Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
