hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
