My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
40s are totally the cure
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
